Money or happy? This is the question.

And I choose happy every single time. I wish I could find a way to have both, but it is not to be. So…when I talk about never being satisfied, that is the real issue. I have chosen a career that doesn’t pay.  Furthermore, my current career does not allow me to function at my highest potential nor does it allow me to have much of an impact on human welfare. So I have chosen law as a path towards satsifaction. Unfortunately, the people I want to serve with this future law degree do not have money to pay, so it won’t be a high paying career. I have no idea how I am going to make a living.

So what happens to me? I guess that is really what my family was asking yesterday. I am going to law school and will graduate with minimal debt thanks to a generous scholarship. I COULD take this awesome education and apply it towards making money. I am more than capable. But I don’t want it. Unless I am working to benefit children and/or otherwise needy adult populations, I will not be happy. And happiness is what I am looking for. Unfortunately, I still need to pay the bills. And I live in America, where money seems to be the force that motivates many people. So this is why I constantly feel like a fish out of water. Maybe I just haven’t met the right people.  Maybe law school will be the place to do that. In the meantime, I would live in a cardboard box if I thought it would allow me to truly serve a purpose in the world. It doesn’t seem to make any sense.  I need to have money in order to do any good to anybody. But despite being a hard-working person for all of my life, I have never chosen to make any. The thought of putting myself (and money) ahead of others makes me literally ill. I can’t do it. Not even for a day. So I ought to make one strange lawyer when all is said and done. But I can work half-time, go to school full-time, and raise three children. No problem. So long as that work involves helping others, I’m all good. I can live on a budget. I have managed it all my life. But clearly this is an unresolved issue, or I wouldn’t be writing about it. So I might as well work it out in cyberspace.

Law takes the day

July 4, 2008. This is really the first family get-together we have had since I made a decision about where to go to school. Seeing as how this is an anonymous blog it shouldn’t hurt to say  that I am attending law school on an almost full scholarship. So people in my family are a combination of happy, surprised, and curious.  A combination of high grades, a decent LSAT score, and a background of public service can combine to create awesome opportunities regardless of age.  However, when you start school realizing you’re starting at the top, the bottom looks awfully low. There are very high expectations. Some of those I set on myself, and some of those I believe come with the generous financial award. 

Most people in my life do not understand me well. I am most certainly the black sheep. The weird one. The one who is never satisfied and who never ceases to amaze. But thus far, for all my unusual and sometimes backwards approaches to doing things, I have not found genuine satisfaction.  I really hope that law school and whatever career follows it are satisfying. Everybody knows I will be successful at law school. It is the question of satisfaction that people are asking about. What will you do? Where will you do it? Do you think you will like it? And the answer is….I have no idea. All I know right now is that I need to go to law school. And I have accomplished that with flying colors.

Today is the birthday of our nation. I remember the bicentennial celebration in 1976 and calculate that we will be 250 in 2026.  My understanding of the USA and our constitution and bill of rights combined with an understanding of our economic systems does not look the same as a 3o-something woman as it did when I was seven. And that has more to do with the realities of daily life than it does to do with which men have served as president during my lifetime. Still, I do hope that everyone reading this will vote in November, and more importantly, participate in politics on a local level. I refrain from joining in political conversations at family events. But I was glad to hear the conversations happening. Somehow knowing I am attending law school led people to believe I wanted to hear about politics. I didn’t realize those two things went together for people.  Now….back to real life and two young boys who are on their way to bed after a long day.