I moved all day, from 7AM until 10PM. I moved boxes, cleaned house, picked the dog up at the vet (she was spayed yesterday), brought my daughter to my sisters place to babysit (alternative was to give up my car for the evening….not), went shopping, and got a lot accomplished. What I didn’t do was anything law school related. I am tired. The changes that are happening in my life right now are overwhelming.
A few years ago I went through major life change. I lost my son, lost a brother-in-law to a fatal car accident, lost my husband to mental illness, and lost my beautiful home in the middle of the country along the way to a divorce. That I am in as good of condition as I am is nothing short of a miracle. But packing my belongings and moving my oldest off to college and my boys into the home of my man-friend is just a far cry from where I had imagined I would be right now. Packing up right now seems to bring up the wounds of the past as if they were not that long ago at all. And I suppose in reality the time is short. I left my husband the summer before my daughter’s freshman year of high school. And I’m moving on again during the summer before her freshman year of college. Four short years and I am moving on to “life” number three. I was with my husband for so long that I forgot anything about lives that happened before that.
So…I’m going to be a new law school mom. A parent of a new college student, living in a new home, having a new life, with a new man, and expecting my two young boys to go with the flow, while one becomes a new middle school student and the other transfers to a new school for 3rd grade. I guess it is fair to feel a tad overwhelmed once in a while. But moving on is the only choice I find acceptable. Sometimes it would be easier to die. But usually I focus on the future. I hope some day my current life is as satisfactory to me as the life I had. I don’t want to live forever thinking that I lost everything that mattered when I was 35. Especially considering I am meeting awesome people, experiencing things that I never dreamed possible, and doing some things that are really pretty cool. (Yes, to those of you who are wondering, I am in love with my honey. I love him dearly and I am in love with him. But we also have a trauma bond. Some losses are beyond words. He has lost in a very similar way. Who knows what the future holds. We love each other, but we are both traumatized. That does influence our view of the world…) I can only pray that God finds my current choices acceptable. Because they look bad from my old view of what is right and good and fair. In my old view, just FYI, failing a child or giving up on a child or leaving a child behind is simply unacceptable. I never would have done it. Never meant to do it. And never actually had a choice. Because he was only given to me for a little while. And that is just how it is. The word adoption doesn’t change that small fact.
