Balancing Acts

A working single mom attending law school

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Archive for the ‘loss’ Category


Posted by newlawmom on October 10, 2010

Well, since I took the time to write when I was in a total funk I figure I should write again when I’m not. I did find the time to get in my car and drive far, far away for the weekend. I did some work and I took some time for myself. At least this week I am starting out with half my reading done. I feel a lot better and my head is much clearer, so that should help. I have also taken some time to really think about the fact I am almost done. There is no reason to be derailed now. I feel so much calmer on this fine Sunday evening. Let’s hope it lasts through the next week of classes.


Posted in 3L, law school, loss, Parenthood | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Disaster Strikes

Posted by newlawmom on October 4, 2010

So if I thought for a single minute that the last year of law school would be smooth sailing, I was wrong. I had actually thought about taking the semester off to deal with my mother’s illness, but I decided against it. We lost her companion of many years on 8/15, and my mom passed two weeks ago today. I suppose this is what non-traditional is all about, right? The problem is I am not functioning well. I have been just barely squeezing by since the beginning of the semester and it is starting to catch up with me. I will pull it off in the end, but for today I just feel like bitching. Whining, complaining and being generally difficult. I am behind on my work. Unprepared for class. Incompetent to represent any client and wondering why I ever thought I wanted to do this in the first place. I don’t care about the law as it relates to real property, land use, family, or criminal either. All I really care about right now is my bed and the fact I don’t see nearly enough of it. My children, whom I love dearly, are driving me insane and need far more than I am able to give them. The truth is I want to get in my car and drive far, far away. Sometimes I want to drive far, far away with my law books so I can catch up on my work, and other times I think I should just take a few days completely to myself. Sadly, I do not have time to drive away because every possible thing seems to demand my attention right now, as I have ignored everything since my mother got sick last April. In the end, I want to whine. OK? I’m done now. I’m going to bed so I can start this all over again tomorrow. And no, I haven’t done my reading for those classes yet either. But I’ll be sure to write again after I get caught up.

Posted in 3L, law school, Law School Life, loss, Parenthood | Tagged: , , , | 1 Comment »

Real Life, before and after

Posted by newlawmom on December 22, 2008

My philosophy is shot. I don’t have one anymore. I am confused. I’m happy to be done with school for a bit. But this is actually a new place for me. I’ve never been here and I have no idea where I’m going. I’ve had an interesting few days since school ended. Did I ever mention that I lost my husband? Well, for all intents and purposes, that is exactly what happened. But before I lost him, we lost his brother for real in a tragic car accident. Death comes in many forms.  Said brother-in-law was very unhappy when I left my husband, and yes, I do believe in ghosts. I have set my Christmas tree up twice now.  Twice it has been knocked over by an unknown force. I haven’t decided yet if that is my brother-in-law returning to express his displeasure with my new relationship or my manfriends deceased ex-wife letting me know she is unhappy. But somebody is unhappy, and they really don’t want me to have a Christmas tree this year. As of now, the tree has been moved into the garage and I have managed to salvage approximately half of my ornaments (none of which have any value to me, because all the ornaments from my past life have been packed away safe and sound). I’m a little creeped out. Christmas doesn’t mean that much to me anymore anyway. I don’t need the tree. But I need to have something for the children. There is nothing quite like seeing a tree fall over twice when nothing is near it, there is no wind, no breeze, no anything to explain it. It just went down. Twice. And I have no real desire to set it back up. Sometime between now and Wednesday I need to force myself to put it up. If it comes down again, I am going with a two-foot tall artificial version. My honey is creeped out. He knows the intensity of what was the disaster of my life. But he doesn’t quite understand that it follows me.

Speaking of following me, life has a way of coming through for me. Thanks to a mix up at the hospital where sonny boy has his organ transplant, I had the opportunity to talk to his social worker. He is fine. Doing well. Now, I suppose they could just say that to make me happy. But in my heart I believe it. I think he’s doing ok. I think he understands where things were at, and I think he still loves me. Someday, when he is old enough, he will come back to me and we will be fine. My ex-husband on the other hand is never coming back. He will never be ok. And that is just the sad truth of the matter. Unfortunately, I will never be ok either. The trauma of the thing has changed me forever and there is no way to go back and undo it. I am not the same person I was.  Life will never be the same. And anyone who has lived through a trauma that divides their life into before and after will know exactly what I am talking about.  The things I used to think would be the worst things that could happen to me are nothing. There are worse things. Things that are unimaginable. And such is life. So… I’m in law school.  That’s a pretty big deal. I love my honey and he loves me. That is a gift beyond my wildest dreams. More than I ever deserved to have and I am blessed. But the same, or even remotely close? No. And Christmas time is just a reminder of that. I can’t wait for it to be over. The falling tree may, after all, be simply a reflection of my own state of mind. This year marks my fifth Christmas on my own and my third Christmas without my son.  Only God knows why that is. Law school he tells me. So I go.

Posted in 1L, child welfare, grief, law school, loss, trauma | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »